Self-Sabotoge

It's been a couple days since my last blog and I must say I missed it. This is a very cathartic way to get out my feelings and it allows me to see my weak areas that need improvement as well as strong areas to be proud of myself about. But having a laptop that's not working, an old (aka 2 years old) phone that won't do ANYthing anymore, and traveling has made it difficult to get to my blog for the last couple days. Even now, I have not yet slept and am exhausted, so this will be short and sweet. :)

Tonight I realized how easy it can be to self-sabotage. I had a thought-out plan of what to get in the drive-thru at Carls Jr. tonight. Turkey burger, no onion. Less than 500 calories and it would keep me within my 1,200 calorie daily budget. But when I pulled into the drive-thru, my head started screaming at me Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger (the most deliciously disgusting 800+ calories you'll ever have) , Large Coke, Oreo Ice Cream Sandwich, Criss Cut Fries with ranch, AH! I ordered Vince's food and sat quietly for a second. The lady asked if that would complete my order. "Can I also get a (long pause) turkey burger, no onion." Phew, I did it. Then she said those four words that give me one last chance to screw up. "Is there anything else?" I wanted to order every bad thing I listed above. My mouth was already watering for it, my head kept insisting that I NEEDED it to be satisfied. I even had it figured out that I could order it all and eat it on my way back to Vince's work so that way he wouldn't know about it and he'd only see me eating the turkey burger...

You see, sneaking food has always been an issue for me. I'd often order double (or more) what I should it, eat the unhealthy stuff alone, and eat the healthy stuff in front of whoever I was going back to eat with. Or even if I was alone, I'd gorge myself and no one ever knew. It was typically a way to numb my feelings. Even if nothing specific had really happened, just being overweight and feeling gross and guilty about that could set off my feelings of inadequacy, causing me to eat more. Strange cycle, and for those who have never experienced it I know it doesn't make sense -- you're upset about being overweight, so you eat more -- it's not logical, but it's real. It's something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. However, today, for the first time, I began breaking that vicious cycle.

..."Is there anything else?" After her second time asking this, "no" finally came out of my mouth. The second she said my total I regretted my decision and still wanted to change my order and get all of that bad stuff. But I didn't let myself. It was an internal fight but I won. I ate my turkey burger, felt sufficiently satisfied with it, and even more importantly, felt so good about not giving in to the easy 2,000 calories I'd have consumed. Of course I wanted those items... I still kind of do. But I know those feelings are normal. My body has had them for years without my own interference so I know these cravings are normal. They might even get stronger. But at least I now know that I CAN choose to ignore them. I immediately texted Jamy, who was proud of me, too. It's nice having someone to support and encourage me and feel proud for me. She also told me her cravings lasted about three months. Ok, so I am on the right track. I CAN be like Jamy.

I read something tonight that basically summed up everything I'm feeling in my endeavor to become healthy: "I'm not telling you it's going to be easy; I'm telling you it's going to be worth it." It's not, and it will be.

No blogging, no progress.

Wow, only two days have passed since my last blog and I already realize what a difference this is making for me. My blog is like an outlet, sure, but it's also a way for me to reflect on my day, see what I did well and not so well, and make adjustments quickly as opposed to waiting a couple days. It makes me accountable. So I did not do as well in my weight loss efforts the last two days. I didn't completely abandon my diet but I definitely didn't adhere to it. I mainly struggled with drinking. Alcohol, that is. Friday night I had 2 Captain and Coke's and today I had a 16 ounce beer. Again, I exercised better judgment ordering a beer today as opposed to a super high calorie margarita, but still.

I went out with my friend Laura today and we saw a movie and went to eat afterwards. At the movie theatre I didn't order a popcorn, but I did get a Coke and a box of Sour Patch Kids. I drank half the Coke and ate 5 Sour Patch Kids (I couldn't eat more after I saw the ridiculous amount of calories in them). So, not good, but definitely could have done worse. Afterwards we went to Black Angus. Now, there is really just nothing healthy there. Even their salads are over 1,000 calories. I'd already had Panera for brunch at 500 calories. Probably 200 more at the movies. I ended up doing about 900 damage at Black Angus, ouch. And it didn't stop. I did another 800 at dinner. WOW. It is AH-MAZING how terrible eating out is! 2,400 calories today; that's the amount I should have today AND tomorrow. :( I did not make good choices. I could have eaten less at Panera, gotten water over Coke, not had a beer or high calorie Black Angus food, skipped dinner... I just made bad choices today. My willpower is not high enough yet to keep eating out, or at the very least, I need to pre-plan and stick to it. The only thing good that I can say is I pre-planned tomorrow's meals already --egg whites and toast for breakfast, turkey sandwich for lunch, and some cornish hens are marinating in the fridge as I type to have with green beans; that combined with strawberries, cherries, and celery for snacks and I should be good. And I am hitting the gym at 7:00 am for racquetball. This not beating myself up for a bad day thing is not so easy. I feel like crap as I type how terribly I did today. But I am trying to tell myself that I could have done worse.

Eating Out... The Dreaded Bread Basket(s)

Oh, the joys and sorrows of eating out. It used to be one of my favorite things --maybe the favorite thing-- and now I can tell it is going to have to become an occasional treat. Talk about a lifestyle change! While running out-of-town errands today, Vince and I decided to eat at Red Lobster. I did that 4-course feast. I deliberately only chose from menu items under 700 calories. I started with some clam chowder that I didn't even finish half of (100 calories), a garden salad with ranch, though I did get it on the side and only dipped my fork into it to use as little as possible (140 calories), the garlic and herb shrimp and chicken that was made into three meals between Vince and myself, so I consumed about 130 calories of it for lunch and 200 for dinner, and 220 calories for part of a brownie dessert that we shared. So I figured it out and it was 590 calories for lunch and 200 for dinner, not bad for eating out, right? And then it hit me a couple minutes later... the dreaded cheddar bay biscuit basket. Well, baskets. Three to be exact. Hm, add in 2 1/2 biscuits at lunch and another one for dinner at a whopping 150 calories each, now that's about right for eating out. Damn never-ending garlicy, cheesy, carb-filled greatness that the waitress kept bringing without asking and I couldn't resist! So my grand total now becomes 965 lunch and 350 dinner. Thank goodness I talked myself out of two Coke's and into unsweetened iced tea. Thankfully, I barely went over 1300 calories and haven't had to snack on anything else today. I could have done worse. But I could do better. Had I stayed away from the bread, the meal wasn't so bad for eating out. I was extremely happy with myself that I stopped eating everything after just a few bites to gauge my appetite level. I've said for years that my "full meter" is non-existent but it's actually just broken. I've ignored it for so many years, ESPECIALLY when eating out, that its signals are weakened. But the more I begin to listen to it, the stronger it will become. I noticed today as I was eating that I was totally satisfied after just a few bites of each thing I ate. It's amazing what happens when you eat for nutrition and enjoyment even versus emotionally to fill a void. Now eventually, I hope to choose broccoli over mashed potatoes, vinaigrette over ranch, and forgo dessert and bread completely. But I am happy with my toddler steps and this is where I realize I am making life changes, not short-term diet changes. And I am not sabotaging the next day over not being perfect today. I could have chosen the 1900 calorie shrimp trip that I used to eat but I didn't. I thoughtfully made the choices that I did. And they tasted better, even! So today made me see that eating out doesn't have to kill you, but it does require planning and most importantly, willpower. The planning part I've got nailed down. The willpower, it's coming, slowly but surely. It's better to be the turtle though, right... the hare can't quite finish the race.

Oh, and I am publishing a picture within the last year-ish showing my full body. I realize I don't have many of those kinds of pictures, haha, wonder why. I love to take pictures but I really avoid the camera at this weight. I will try to get a newer, pre-weight loss picture asap to share. I want to track my progress and post cool side-by-sides like Jamy. ;)

Emotional Triggers

Day one has been completed. Phew. Surprisingly, I found it fairly easy to stay within my calorie limit today (which is 1200 or less). I guess the reason that was so easy was due to sleeping most of the afternoon away and only eating twice... not necessarily the healthiest thing in the world. I even ate fast food (Taco Bell) for lunch but chose from their healthier menu. Then I had a healthy, homemade whole wheat burrito with ground turkey in it for dinner. For a snack I had celery with a little peanut butter. How odd, and exciting, that I went for celery over the carrot cake sitting in the fridge when I found myself upset and reaching for food.

You see, I have always had a problem when it comes to food. I am an emotional eater. When I am happy, sad, anxious, depressed, any emotion really, I turn to food. Food is my friend, my love, my comforter, even my enemy. I think I am so out of control emotionally that I tend to eat my feelings. I worry so much for other people and their feelings and how they'll react to me, and I tend to forget about my own feelings. So I turn to food. I eat to the point of making myself sick sometimes, though I have not done that for quite a few months now. I used to do that a couple times a month; I'd go through a drive-thru and order the amount that two normal people would eat, then I'd eat it all to get sick. Even though I am not doing that now, I still turn to food when I am stressed out and feeling alone. If I get upset I want to eat. If I feel rejected I want to eat. There are so many triggers I don't even know them all yet. But today, I had a breakthrough. I had a rough night of arguing, crying, feeling unloved, unwanted, and rejected. I started to reach for the carrot cake. I pulled it out of the fridge even. But then, instead of devouring it, I thought to myself, "Am I hungry?" The answer was "kind of." But did I want that fatty, sugary cake? No. I just thought it would make me feel better. So instead I grabbed a few pieces of celery and a tablespoon of peanut butter and had that with a bottle of water. I was satisfied. Crazy thing is, I didn't even realize I'd overcome a huge emotional eating barrier until I was texting my friend Jamy and she said how good it was that I was breaking the cycle of turning to food for comfort. It made me see that even though the same triggers remain, it doesn't equal disaster. I can still succeed even with emotional eating issues. It may be harder but it can be done. It is my step one in changing my relationship with food.

Even more so today than yesterday, I feel a renewed sense that I can lose this weight. Today was rough for me. I did well with the food part but I failed with the exercise part. I should have worked out today but I didn't. I let my emotions get the best of me and instead of going to the gym, I laid in bed thinking and reading, but not eating. But there is one major difference in my attitude as I write this: I am not going to beat myself up over it. In the past I would have beat myself up for days, weeks even, allowing that to only extend the number of days I didn't make it to the gym and giving me perfect reason to binge on unhealthy foods. Basically, I would sabotage myself. But today, I am not and will not do that. I am accepting today as it happened, thinking about how I can make tomorrow more productive, and moving on. So I didn't go to the gym today, big deal. At least I stayed within my calorie goals. So maybe I didn't lose any weight today but I didn't gain any either. And I know I can make tomorrow different, better. And the next day, and the next.

So, how did you all do today?

"Easy to Moderate" Hike from Hell

Hello and welcome to "Operation Lose Half of Me." I have never done this before but I feel compelled to start a blog as a means to discuss, relate, vent, track, and hold accountable my progress toward the ultimate goal: losing half of myself. Now I doubt that is the exact amount of weight (in pounds) that I want to lose but I know it is damn close. And I have not only pounds to lose but also years of insecurity, shame, codependency, and self-esteem issues. So losing half of me basically means getting rid of the "bad" half so the "good" half can start shining through!

So first, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Christi, I am going to be 29 next month, I am finishing my Master's degree in English, and I am (gulp) 281 pounds. That was rough. I have never admitted my weight as public knowledge and only a very small handful of people know that number. But I feel that in order for this weight loss effort to be different than all the others, to be effective, I must be honest with myself. I have tried for many years to lose weight and have even been successful up to 55 pounds, however, it always comes back. That is how I know the art of losing weight is more than exercising and eating right; for me, it is so much more emotional than it is physical. I learned this full-force this past Thursday, July 5th...

Ali Vincent, first female to win The Biggest Loser, organized a hike to the top of the Hollywood sign. I decided I needed to go in an attempt to shut the negative thinking part of my brain off and allow the positive self-talker to begin to come alive again. My friend Jamy (an amazing inspiration to me in that she has lost over 100 pounds on her own) and the *complicated* man I love went, too, and thank God they did because I would have quit before I began if they hadn't. First, we walked up a very steep hill just to get to the starting point of the hike. My calves were already on fire and I was out of breath. My brain screamed at me that I couldn't do it and I was kidding myself to try. I began to feel severely depressed, embarrassed, and anxious to the point I started crying and having a mini-anxiety attack. Luckily they calmed me down and set short distances for me to reach to try to get my mind off the giant hill in front of us. They were with me every step of the way, stopped when I needed to, encouraged me when I tried to quit (more than once), and pulled me by the hand when I felt overwhelmed. It was the most excruciating hour-ish I can remember in quite some time. But guess what? I made it to the top of that damn mountain. Looking at it as a whole, it seemed impossible. But looking at it in small chunks, as they had me doing, it became attainable. The sad part is that hike is labeled "easy to moderate" and I felt like I'd trudged through the depths of hell to make it. What should be easy was excruciating for me. How have I let myself get so out of shape? I can partially answer that. Emotional eating, depression, screwy coping mechanisms, laziness.

I could go on and on, and I may as this blog progresses, but here is my purpose for starting a blog: CHANGE. ACCOUNTABILITY. HELP. Did I really just ask for help in reaching my goal? Me, the girl who has to solve everyone elses problems while ignoring her own? Yes, I am in need of help. I need supportive people who can also hold me responsible for my actions, people who may be in a similar place or used to be, and people who can understand just how difficult a process weight loss (and baggage loss) is. I felt something when I stood at the top of the Hollywood sign with Ali, who won The Biggest Loser, and my friend Jamy, who lost 127 pounds in a year on her own. I just knew it was time to make a permanent lifestyle change. I miss being the girl who can hike up a mountain with ease or spend a day walking at an amusement park without my back killing me. I miss being able to do anything I want without being physically limited. I miss being ME. I don't really feel I am living at this weight. I am in love with a very fit and active man that I constantly push away with my jealous insecurities because I can't understand why I'm lovable or desirable at this weight. So today begins day one of change. If you are in a similar situation either physically, emotionally, both, or neither, I hope you'll follow my blog. I am going to do my best to keep up with it from a dieting, emotional healing/advancing way, along with recipes, tips, advice, etc that I can muster up as I go, and I may just need to vent from time to time. I have no promises of what this will include because I am just going to wing it. But I think this journey could help me, and maybe you, too. My goal is clear: lose half of me, the bad half, by the time I'm 30. Wow, that is only 13 months away. Well, let's begin.