Emotional Triggers

Day one has been completed. Phew. Surprisingly, I found it fairly easy to stay within my calorie limit today (which is 1200 or less). I guess the reason that was so easy was due to sleeping most of the afternoon away and only eating twice... not necessarily the healthiest thing in the world. I even ate fast food (Taco Bell) for lunch but chose from their healthier menu. Then I had a healthy, homemade whole wheat burrito with ground turkey in it for dinner. For a snack I had celery with a little peanut butter. How odd, and exciting, that I went for celery over the carrot cake sitting in the fridge when I found myself upset and reaching for food.

You see, I have always had a problem when it comes to food. I am an emotional eater. When I am happy, sad, anxious, depressed, any emotion really, I turn to food. Food is my friend, my love, my comforter, even my enemy. I think I am so out of control emotionally that I tend to eat my feelings. I worry so much for other people and their feelings and how they'll react to me, and I tend to forget about my own feelings. So I turn to food. I eat to the point of making myself sick sometimes, though I have not done that for quite a few months now. I used to do that a couple times a month; I'd go through a drive-thru and order the amount that two normal people would eat, then I'd eat it all to get sick. Even though I am not doing that now, I still turn to food when I am stressed out and feeling alone. If I get upset I want to eat. If I feel rejected I want to eat. There are so many triggers I don't even know them all yet. But today, I had a breakthrough. I had a rough night of arguing, crying, feeling unloved, unwanted, and rejected. I started to reach for the carrot cake. I pulled it out of the fridge even. But then, instead of devouring it, I thought to myself, "Am I hungry?" The answer was "kind of." But did I want that fatty, sugary cake? No. I just thought it would make me feel better. So instead I grabbed a few pieces of celery and a tablespoon of peanut butter and had that with a bottle of water. I was satisfied. Crazy thing is, I didn't even realize I'd overcome a huge emotional eating barrier until I was texting my friend Jamy and she said how good it was that I was breaking the cycle of turning to food for comfort. It made me see that even though the same triggers remain, it doesn't equal disaster. I can still succeed even with emotional eating issues. It may be harder but it can be done. It is my step one in changing my relationship with food.

Even more so today than yesterday, I feel a renewed sense that I can lose this weight. Today was rough for me. I did well with the food part but I failed with the exercise part. I should have worked out today but I didn't. I let my emotions get the best of me and instead of going to the gym, I laid in bed thinking and reading, but not eating. But there is one major difference in my attitude as I write this: I am not going to beat myself up over it. In the past I would have beat myself up for days, weeks even, allowing that to only extend the number of days I didn't make it to the gym and giving me perfect reason to binge on unhealthy foods. Basically, I would sabotage myself. But today, I am not and will not do that. I am accepting today as it happened, thinking about how I can make tomorrow more productive, and moving on. So I didn't go to the gym today, big deal. At least I stayed within my calorie goals. So maybe I didn't lose any weight today but I didn't gain any either. And I know I can make tomorrow different, better. And the next day, and the next.

So, how did you all do today?