A new month, a new start!

Oh. My. God. How did two weeks go by without paying attention to my beloved blog? Oh, I know. My laptop's not working, the one I normally used was away for a week, my dad had surgery, my phone sucks and won't let me do anything... and I just didn't make it a priority. That's the truth of the matter because all of the other excuses are just that, excuses. It makes me realize how full of excuses I am. I mean, do I really think this weight is going to magically melt off of me even though it hasn't for the last decade?

I did terrible these last two weeks. Well, in reality, I didn't even try. I didn't try to eat right, exercise, nothing. I ate out, chose the good (bad) stuff, and had quite a few alcoholic beverages, none of which is conducive to my weight loss. Luckily, I still have a bit of hope left in me and I've decided to try to let it go and start fresh. It is a new month, my birthday month, meaning I have one year to reach my goal of losing over 100 pounds by 30. I know it is doable because my friend Jamy did it. But I also know she wasn't being reckless like I am. In fact, she was being extremely rigid with herself, eating right, exercising; she didn't have excuses like I do. Vince always tells me "that's just an excuse" and I'm starting to realize how much I make excuses for my actions on things I never even realized.

So here I go again... trying to restart my effort. Well, trying to give effort because I barely even did before. It's amazing how much fire and drive I used to have has left me, for more reasons than one. It is the hardest thing I've ever done to try to find it again and I'm definitely not there yet. But I know it's going to be easier to find healthy than obese. I have a family history of diabetes staring me in the eyes saying it will be here before I know it. I could begin a family history of heart disease because I know a heart attack is inevitable the way I'm going. I have zero self-esteem and self-love, something I desperately need to find. I might want kids. I definitely want to get married and would like to feel good about how I look. There are so many reasons. I might make a board to put on my wall; a "why I want to lose weight" board... hm, might help, couldn't hurt. But really, I just need to decide for myself to do it. To make ME a priority for once in my life. It's easy to say the words. But how do I find the action? Like my friend Kristal says, "no more nouns, we want verbs."

Well, this blog has absolutely no coherency and I apologize for that, but I suppose I needed to just let lose all the feelings I've pent up from the last two weeks. I am resolving myself to get back to blogging because it is amazing how much clearer my daily choices became and how they added up to significant effects.