"Easy to Moderate" Hike from Hell

Hello and welcome to "Operation Lose Half of Me." I have never done this before but I feel compelled to start a blog as a means to discuss, relate, vent, track, and hold accountable my progress toward the ultimate goal: losing half of myself. Now I doubt that is the exact amount of weight (in pounds) that I want to lose but I know it is damn close. And I have not only pounds to lose but also years of insecurity, shame, codependency, and self-esteem issues. So losing half of me basically means getting rid of the "bad" half so the "good" half can start shining through!

So first, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Christi, I am going to be 29 next month, I am finishing my Master's degree in English, and I am (gulp) 281 pounds. That was rough. I have never admitted my weight as public knowledge and only a very small handful of people know that number. But I feel that in order for this weight loss effort to be different than all the others, to be effective, I must be honest with myself. I have tried for many years to lose weight and have even been successful up to 55 pounds, however, it always comes back. That is how I know the art of losing weight is more than exercising and eating right; for me, it is so much more emotional than it is physical. I learned this full-force this past Thursday, July 5th...

Ali Vincent, first female to win The Biggest Loser, organized a hike to the top of the Hollywood sign. I decided I needed to go in an attempt to shut the negative thinking part of my brain off and allow the positive self-talker to begin to come alive again. My friend Jamy (an amazing inspiration to me in that she has lost over 100 pounds on her own) and the *complicated* man I love went, too, and thank God they did because I would have quit before I began if they hadn't. First, we walked up a very steep hill just to get to the starting point of the hike. My calves were already on fire and I was out of breath. My brain screamed at me that I couldn't do it and I was kidding myself to try. I began to feel severely depressed, embarrassed, and anxious to the point I started crying and having a mini-anxiety attack. Luckily they calmed me down and set short distances for me to reach to try to get my mind off the giant hill in front of us. They were with me every step of the way, stopped when I needed to, encouraged me when I tried to quit (more than once), and pulled me by the hand when I felt overwhelmed. It was the most excruciating hour-ish I can remember in quite some time. But guess what? I made it to the top of that damn mountain. Looking at it as a whole, it seemed impossible. But looking at it in small chunks, as they had me doing, it became attainable. The sad part is that hike is labeled "easy to moderate" and I felt like I'd trudged through the depths of hell to make it. What should be easy was excruciating for me. How have I let myself get so out of shape? I can partially answer that. Emotional eating, depression, screwy coping mechanisms, laziness.

I could go on and on, and I may as this blog progresses, but here is my purpose for starting a blog: CHANGE. ACCOUNTABILITY. HELP. Did I really just ask for help in reaching my goal? Me, the girl who has to solve everyone elses problems while ignoring her own? Yes, I am in need of help. I need supportive people who can also hold me responsible for my actions, people who may be in a similar place or used to be, and people who can understand just how difficult a process weight loss (and baggage loss) is. I felt something when I stood at the top of the Hollywood sign with Ali, who won The Biggest Loser, and my friend Jamy, who lost 127 pounds in a year on her own. I just knew it was time to make a permanent lifestyle change. I miss being the girl who can hike up a mountain with ease or spend a day walking at an amusement park without my back killing me. I miss being able to do anything I want without being physically limited. I miss being ME. I don't really feel I am living at this weight. I am in love with a very fit and active man that I constantly push away with my jealous insecurities because I can't understand why I'm lovable or desirable at this weight. So today begins day one of change. If you are in a similar situation either physically, emotionally, both, or neither, I hope you'll follow my blog. I am going to do my best to keep up with it from a dieting, emotional healing/advancing way, along with recipes, tips, advice, etc that I can muster up as I go, and I may just need to vent from time to time. I have no promises of what this will include because I am just going to wing it. But I think this journey could help me, and maybe you, too. My goal is clear: lose half of me, the bad half, by the time I'm 30. Wow, that is only 13 months away. Well, let's begin.