Self-Sabotoge

It's been a couple days since my last blog and I must say I missed it. This is a very cathartic way to get out my feelings and it allows me to see my weak areas that need improvement as well as strong areas to be proud of myself about. But having a laptop that's not working, an old (aka 2 years old) phone that won't do ANYthing anymore, and traveling has made it difficult to get to my blog for the last couple days. Even now, I have not yet slept and am exhausted, so this will be short and sweet. :)

Tonight I realized how easy it can be to self-sabotage. I had a thought-out plan of what to get in the drive-thru at Carls Jr. tonight. Turkey burger, no onion. Less than 500 calories and it would keep me within my 1,200 calorie daily budget. But when I pulled into the drive-thru, my head started screaming at me Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger (the most deliciously disgusting 800+ calories you'll ever have) , Large Coke, Oreo Ice Cream Sandwich, Criss Cut Fries with ranch, AH! I ordered Vince's food and sat quietly for a second. The lady asked if that would complete my order. "Can I also get a (long pause) turkey burger, no onion." Phew, I did it. Then she said those four words that give me one last chance to screw up. "Is there anything else?" I wanted to order every bad thing I listed above. My mouth was already watering for it, my head kept insisting that I NEEDED it to be satisfied. I even had it figured out that I could order it all and eat it on my way back to Vince's work so that way he wouldn't know about it and he'd only see me eating the turkey burger...

You see, sneaking food has always been an issue for me. I'd often order double (or more) what I should it, eat the unhealthy stuff alone, and eat the healthy stuff in front of whoever I was going back to eat with. Or even if I was alone, I'd gorge myself and no one ever knew. It was typically a way to numb my feelings. Even if nothing specific had really happened, just being overweight and feeling gross and guilty about that could set off my feelings of inadequacy, causing me to eat more. Strange cycle, and for those who have never experienced it I know it doesn't make sense -- you're upset about being overweight, so you eat more -- it's not logical, but it's real. It's something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. However, today, for the first time, I began breaking that vicious cycle.

..."Is there anything else?" After her second time asking this, "no" finally came out of my mouth. The second she said my total I regretted my decision and still wanted to change my order and get all of that bad stuff. But I didn't let myself. It was an internal fight but I won. I ate my turkey burger, felt sufficiently satisfied with it, and even more importantly, felt so good about not giving in to the easy 2,000 calories I'd have consumed. Of course I wanted those items... I still kind of do. But I know those feelings are normal. My body has had them for years without my own interference so I know these cravings are normal. They might even get stronger. But at least I now know that I CAN choose to ignore them. I immediately texted Jamy, who was proud of me, too. It's nice having someone to support and encourage me and feel proud for me. She also told me her cravings lasted about three months. Ok, so I am on the right track. I CAN be like Jamy.

I read something tonight that basically summed up everything I'm feeling in my endeavor to become healthy: "I'm not telling you it's going to be easy; I'm telling you it's going to be worth it." It's not, and it will be.